You can even pick up brochures of holiday packages. I travel for work a lot, and quite often to Vegas people have conventions and meetings in Vegas because (1) the attendees generally like it and (2) there are a lot of hotels and meeting space. My partner has a fantastic story of stumbling on some kind of yakuza pre-dustup in Namba (in a Family Mart of all places). I wonder if one solution wouldnt just be to bring her husband WITH her (on her own expense and probably paying for their own room)? I care about your son's emotional health, the emotional damage he will suffer, when this emotional abuser of an ex tells his lies about you. I shut that down fast by reminding her I was working an evening shift that ended at 11 PM. I think the fact that hes willing to go counseling (am I reading that correctly?) My grandmother pays for the trip. If your husband has never traveled for business, and hasnt traveled much in his personal life, and his friends have similar life experiences, then its no wonder that hes created this scenario where all that happens in Vegas is affairs and crimes. That was my thinking toohow much did he lead them into getting the exact answer he wanted? Hes been working through them and he was much better during my last work trip. I guarantee if my partner surveyed their friends they would all tell them that they are being ridiculous to even question letting (ha!) And at the end of the day, it doesnt matter because every time, its about something that doesnt really have a right or wrong answer. That doesnt mean one party jeopardizes their job and career to make ridiculous accommodations, of course. Many people we know (work, friends, sometimes family) just cant wrap their head around the fact that we dont need to be joined at the hip 24/7 and that were not jealous. There are times when I feel safer in Vegas than I do my own city. Other than that, we gambled, we ate a lot, we walked a lot, saw a lot of family-oriented and kid-oriented activities swam in the hotels outdoor pool. If the question was my husband is forbidding it because of emergency X then we still have the same issue. It's essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you don't share the same enthusiasm. My partner finds it funny that I get excited to go to Vegas for work and roll my eyes when it is a friend/social trip because he knows me so well. I guess I read that differently than everyone else? Agree that you should go to counseling by yourself if he wont go. its really funny, because Vegas has lately been billed as a great place to go for a family vacation! Ithewhat??? But I do agree that its extremely possible the OPs husband is, consciously or unconsciously, skewing the results in his favor. ); (2) You and Marcus could try to pay your own way; or (3) You could commence the sticky process of negotiating a patchwork-payment . Honestly, given his insistence that your company is basically trying to ruin your marriage by sending you on a business trip and the tenor of the conversations hes had with others about allowing you to do your damn job, my gut screams traditionalist underachieving man threatened by successful wife. Yet he says he would not even go without me. So its not like its all new. Yeah, I was in Vegas just a couple of weeks ago. I meet family from California. When people ask me why, I reply that I dont drink, gamble, or enjoy naked women, so theres little to attract me there aside from some pretty good food, which I can get anywhere. Not everything is an abusive relationship, AAM commentariat. :P. The drunk human traffickers are trafficking the dealers! The kidnapping/roofie argument is the same nonsense my parents used to justify not letting my sister and me go to slumber parties but my brothers could go on trips to Europe. I would have not reacted well to this if I were the best friend. 2005-2023Everyday Health, Inc., a Ziff Davis company. I dont think youre going to be able to use logic or rational arguments to rid him of any fears. As someone with an anxiety disorder myself, I can understand the uncontrolled thoughts the husband is having. One of the most important things I learned in therapy is that even though my feelings are real, they are not reasonable and not helpful, so its not appropriate to expect others to change their behavior to accommodate them. (Im also not sure you can un-yoke controlling from its pejorative overtones, given that most of us have plenty of things wed require partners not do and we dont call ourselves controllingits always something somebody else does.). When I was in Vegas I called my husband 3 maybe 4 times a day during my breaks because I was so depressed and talking to him made me feel better. Also deploying the well everyone else thinks youre wrong too thing is a really immature way to work through a disagreement. I could care less about gambling and night time shenanigans. Everyones mileage will vary of course, but thats the choice I made. We both very quickly realized its quite safe, and a really interesting place to be, in a good sense. I ALWAYS wonder in these cases if the guy actually did do this, or is just saying that he did to bolster his own stance. Only discussing the precise words given in the letter: Bringing your spouse along on a work trip only works some of the time, and it definitely doesnt work if the spouse has already exhibited controlling behavior. +1 I think this is good advice! Thats fine! But don't worry, Daisy. We specifically took any kind of obey language out of our vows. I have serious issues with anxiety and I read it the same way. As Allison said, people travel for work all the time. Dont! Im glad you left that loser. Plus, if youre on the strip, you dont ever really have go on the streets. You can pretty much get from one end of the strip to the other cutting through casinos and over skywalks. Im rooting for you! I have developed similar coping strategies and work very hard not to allow my brains bad wiring to negatively affect those that I love. I would be surprised if it were anything more than a coincidence, but I think that reading that letter/advice/comments could be beneficial for this OP to see how it would likely be perceived if she did refuse to take the trip at her husbands behest. He also accused her of sleeping with her boss constantly. Why do you feel this way?. Maybe he has heightened anxiety. Unless youre her son. I asked three people: Me, myself, and I. Couples counseling has given us a neutral forum to figure out how to face it together, to help me express how his behavior effects me and our family, and for me to learn how to support him. Iasked ifI could come. Alisons advice suggesting marriage counseling is good. Then I realized that he was not being irrational he was worried, and it was not a burden for me just to check in once in awhile, especially if I am on unfamiliar dark roads. If you can get that sort of perspective before the trip, that would be great. And then he interprets the lack of disagreement as agreement. And she would always schedule conferences for her small business in Vegas, for the exact reasons you listed. And, in those cases both parties may need to adjust their behavior and / or way that they communicate. I dont know, I think you are underestimating how the Internet has magnified the echo chamber effect. Sometimes walking away is the only thing you can do. Ioverheard mymother-in-law say, Did she really have nowhere else togo. I am angered that every time I have to go he seems to have an emotional breakdown. Both of us are fairly standard issue normative American. Youve never met them, but that doesnt mean that they dont exist. Kids are the most common reason for this sort of thing, but other caretaking responsibilities can also lead to spouses being very accountable to each other for their whereabouts. Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you. Best of luck! Congratulations, his friends are ALSO sexist and manipulative. I dont have anything else to add to what everyone else has said except that when youre there, I HIGHLY recommend going to Gordon Ramsays BURGR at the Planet Hollywood Hotel. Yeah theres a mosque and an Islamic centre, but Ive been into both for visit my mosque day and the imam was happy to talk to me (a white non-religious woman) and everyone was very nice and gave us snacks, so yeah. I do think theres a shadow of a legit work question in there, in terms of when/if its okay to refuse work-related travel. Ive also gone on holiday with my mum and my grandmother for a week or two at a time. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. Thats a bright, flashing red sign. I am not fond of the recent uptick in stories like this or men and women who wont go on a business lunch alone because its with a member of the opposite sex. Last I time I checked 2017 hadnt fully turned into The Handmaids Tale and women were allowed to travel for work without permission from their husband. I trust that the letter writer would be able to better identify whether or not thats the case here, and trust shell be able to address it appropriately with a skilled counselor. It was a blast! But the effect of his behavior on her is a them issue. Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so. I agree that the OP should not even consider not going on the trip. Ack. seem much more based on portrayals in television/movies rather than reality. I agree with the counseling suggestion. We had screaming matches over girls night out or any activity that might throw me in the path of men. I wasnt allowed to take late classes in school bc good girls dont stay out after dark. We have now been married 5 years and this is a thing of the past. I think its one of the things that makes our relationship so strong. Someone this uptight probably doesnt have friends. Ive known controlling people that became that way because it was a learned coping method for a disordered brain pattern not that it is a good coping method, mind you, but it is one. Marriage counseling is the only way you save this. A pregnant woman recently asked the internet for advice after her husband refused to attend any of their doctor appointments. Im in business, so of course I know that a lot of conferences and normal things to do there, but its a little disingenuous to claim that a location that intentionally markets itself as Sin City doesnt at least have a rep for vice. Statistically, the most dangerous part of this trip is the car drive to the airport. Sometimes, when a spouse accuses you of cheating out of thin air, its because they themselves are cheating, and now they see it everywhere else as a coping mechanism for justifying their own behavior. It isnt like the reputation just happened by accident. Businesses plan conferences in Las Vegas because the rooms are dirt cheap, not because theyre planning some sort of raucous party. Itd be easy for the husband to dismiss the wifes concerns as Well SHE wants to cheat. As it were. Sure, anxiety may be amplifying his concerns, but anxiety doesnt make a respectful, supportive, loving spouse demand that their wife refuse to attend a business trip. I dont know that I am articulating this as succinctly as I could be, but I hope you know where Im coming from. But Id want OP to figure out a little more what this behavior of his is really about, and make sure its not his way of trying to control her / torpedo her career, before Id recommend she let him supervise her work trip. If you bring consoling up, will he go? That hes asked several people for their opinion, and said opinions are I wouldnt let my spouse go to Vegas without me! I think this is a valid suspicion. Its actually better that way now for example, its now possible to eat a meal without hearing about keno. Whereas in reality, I just hope that this will be the time when Im on the subway at 1am and it wont be too crowded to get a seat. Since frankly the marriage is not healthy do not risk your career, which you need, for him. You have a good day and thank you. If youre not going during SXSW or Austin City Limits, you can get hotel rooms consistently for less than $200 in Austin. I have a friend that refuses to go to Vegas because he believes its the modern Sodom and Gomorrah. It really seems like your husband doesnt trust you, and as AAM said, that is a relationship problem. When hed worry about what to do if, say, the house burned down while i was gone, I pointed out he could handle it just fine. I think that theres value in saying, this could be going on, and it might be something to watch out for, but definitive statements that range far, far beyond whats in the letter are really problematic, both because they can end up being irrelevant and because they can make the OP dismiss the rest of the input being offered, because the read on that particular aspect the situation is incorrect. My comment is intended to apply to any combination of genders.). Any time I read My spouse wont let me . I want to yank that person out of that relationship. Their convention centers are clean, there are plenty of facilities for customer parties, etc. The duration of the vacation. After the day ended and we would go out to dinner, he would tell her that he was sure our company wouldnt approve of us going out to dinner on their dime. (Wed been given stipends and told to enjoy a cocktail after the eight-hour training). :), That reminds me of this Captain Awkward letter: https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, Were now in a position where he thinks Ive made a mistake with the breakup, and that I did not adequately justify my reasons for ending it.. Your husband is being unreasonable. Some people may have only a negative perception of Vegas, but the important thing is realizing that kneejerk perception is actually inaccurate. I think the phrasing is awkward, but its in there because he brought this up to his spouse to justify his position, so Im pretty sure he means they all agreed that theyd object to such a trip too. Arguments are by turns rewarding, arousing (in the physical arousal sense), angering, and anxiety-provoking. I read letters like this, and I realize how fortunate both my husband and I are, because its got to be miserable to live with this level of mistrust and anxiety. I'm scheduled for a c-section on September 21st and although it's not that far away, it's definitely not as close as I would like it to be.
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