Its just fun to play them! Trains appeal to everyone on an almost childlike level, perhaps because of their simplicity. 33. Three blondes are walking through a forest when they spot tracks on the ground. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. They all have one track minds. A: A chew, chew train. Here are some dirty Little Johnny jokes that are definitely rated-R and may be too hot to handle! you time your errands around town based on the train schedule to spot trains and get groceries. 27. 82. 35. Lets skip sidings and go for double tracks from Honolulu to LA. A railroad conductor needs to make sure he doesnt go down the wrong track and lose his train of thought. Every detail needs to be kept track of. You can see its tracks! Two Blondes You did superbly under cross-examination.Thanks, he said, but he sure had me worried.Hows that? the lawyer asked.I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!, 56. A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. Train Jokes A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. 98. How do locomotives hear? He kept getting off at every station to buy a ticket till the next station.When the train reached Chicago, the mans co-passengers asked him why he kept on buying tickets instead of buying a ticket for the entire trip.The man replied that his doctor had advised him against taking long journeys. Ive always liked one-liners. Apr 26, 2023, 08:17 AM EDT. Q: What kind of a car does a crazy man drive?A: A LOCOmotive. But if you're bold enough to deliver a punchline, you deserve the laughs it'll earn you. They ask him what hed like for his last meal. Since you have freed me from the lantern, you can make a wish, the genie who was attired in coveralls and an engineers hat announced.I thought genies always granted three wishes, the railfan said.Those are the lamp and bottle guys, the genie explained.The train fan nodded his understanding.Okay then lets have a request unless you want to stand around and discuss waning wizard wishes.The railfan quickly replied, I would like a railroad built to Hawaii.The genie stared at the railfan and shook his head. This train doesnt even STOP in Victoria!, 60. saying: "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. The train was about to pull out of the station. If there is any last couch in the train, it should be kept somewhere in the middle. He lost on points. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously.Your parents just left you, said the stationmaster. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!Is it normal my emo cousins hobby is tying himself to train tracks. Well, get them this T-shirt as a present and point to the 10% imagination and the unicorn mood that is needed to do math and youll surely make them smile. 83. He starts to slow down! A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs A man loses his legs in a train accident and when hes rushed to hospital the only available transplant are a child's so he gets the surgery and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain the nurse runs up and says 'sir is it your legs' and the man goes 'no' 'its my kidneys' Train Bloopers and Wrecks | Funny, Weird and Wacky Trains Lots of Videos for Kids-Marshall Publishing 83.2K subscribers 673 273K views 11 years ago This funny train video shows chicken crossing. I wasnt surprised to see every person there was wearing platforms.Remember the good old days of railways, when everyone had plenty of esteem. Sure hold on a second., The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, Im sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train., The man says, I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook.. 13. Being a conductor is more difficult than it looks. What sort of car does a crazy person drive? 41. Location: Melbourne, Australia. Q: Whats the difference between a teacher and a train guard?A: One trains the mind, the other minds the train. How do you find a missing train? A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. They have a tender behind! Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb? Predictably, hes hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.After weeks in the hospital recovering, hes at his friends house attending a party. When his train was pulling to a stop, she heard him. When he got in he said to the ticket man, Sir, I really need you to do me a favor. "The Daily Show" correspondent Desi Lydic 's jokes about train delays prompted an awkward response from Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg. if (year<1900) {year+=1900} document.write(year); 150 Hilarious Train Jokes to Engineer Laughs on Your Face There is a surprising amount of humor in train jokes and puns. Why do trains take so long to arrive on Halloween? Did we catch up with the cow?, 58. Id like to share with you a list of hilarious train jokes that I put together specifically for people who need a good laugh. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. There was a murder on a train do you know if the suspect was caught? 68. Sure thing, no problem. Because she wanted to cover her tracks.How do you locate a stolen train? In South Carolina railroad companies may be held liable for scaring horses. At a station stop, the railroad's president walked up to the locomotive and spoke to the engineer. 43. They always seem to have a get out of rail free card. Check them out! 26. But I have to get off there! he insisted.Well, there might be one thing I can do. No problem, the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. When he got down at the destination station, he told the station person that he wanted to lodge a complaint against the railway staff. Q: When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a train?A: When its on the train. In the good old days, all the conductors were a little loco and full of self e-steam.No matter where you are, youll never see happy railroad tracks. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I wanted to put together this list of funny train puns a while ago, but I just kept getting side tracked. Hire an expert to follow the tracks. The police made him give it back. It is not surprising that knock-knock jokes have survived into the 21st century despite their corniness. The design with its clear black lines on clear grey sends the right message immediately. In West Virginia, it was once illegal to sleep on a train. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Irishmen are hiding. 93. I was able to pick up a few railway buffers for cheap the other day. The conductor was right in the middle of his presentation when he lost his train of thought. And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks." 76. The train track says a pint for me, please, and one for the road.I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didnt want to leave his trunk in the baggage car. Have a look at our Editors Choice of the top 4 funniest T-shirts for men. They were still arguing when the train hit them. All rights reserved. Thats nearly impossible, he stated. Anyone who steals a train would definitely have a locomotive. Q: Why is the track gauge 4 8-1/2 wide?A: Because it is the mean distance between the neck and ankles of damsels in distress. Before he faces his sentence, hes offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. If you have any train puns or jokes that you think we should add to the list, hop over to our contact page and suggest them! Shes quite at-track-tive. I remember in the good old days all the conductors were a little loco and full of self e-steam. 30. Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt. Everyone seems to have a crush on the train conductor. Little Johnny asks back, "Then who fucks the storks?" Woah there, Little Johnny! Too many people have crossed them. Hes made it! A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track. Why did the ghost get fired from his job at the railroad? I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. Unlike teachers, locomotives always tell you to choo choo. Best Short Jokes & Dirty One-Liners Sometimes, humor is all about efficiency and that applies to the best adult jokes as well. Q: Why did the railroad magnate choose a name for his railroad that had a single letter abbreviation, S?A: So that when his box car rolled by everyone would say Hey! 10. The Irishmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asked an accountant. Happy got out, so she started feeling Grumpy. There is a surprising amount of humor in train jokes and puns. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Q: Why doesnt anyone like to play volleyball with a track worker?A: Because they keep spiking the ball. Because they run over sleepers.Whats the difference between a railway security guard and a teacher?One minds the trains and the other trains the minds.What did the train track say when he walked into the bar with the motorway?A pint for me please, and one for the road.What happened to the boy who was doing a project on trains?He found it difficult to keep track of everything.Whats the difference between a teacher and a steam train? A chew-chew train. As I was on the train on the way home last night, I thought hat a good topic for this week's puns and one-liners would be train jokes, so here are a collection of railway related gags. Look at that S car go!. Hed never seen a train or the tracks they run on. Because people are always crossing them. A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people. Those who steal trains must have a locomotive! How can you tell a train just went by?A. You wont want to miss this hilarious adventure of train jokes and puns that will relieve your stress for a while. 5.-. Sir, we dont stop at Victoria, the collector said. I finally figured out why you always try to drive me crazy. Q: Why can't a steam locomotive sit down? Q: Why is it not safe to doze on trains?A: Because they run over sleepers. Wow, you really have to hand it to ticket inspectors. Train really hard. We have scoured our sources to compile a list of the Top 100 Train Jokes, including train jokes for kids (including the ever popular Thomas the Train), railroad puns, train one liners, interesting railroad laws and the popular "You Might be a Railfan If" jokes. Realist sees light from incoming train. Choose your size on Amazon. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. But, probably youve never seen these knock knock train jokes that will make you laugh! Every detail needs to be kept track of.The conductor kept telling me funny train puns, and it was hard to keep a freight face.Teachers and railroad security are more similar than you might think. I know someone who tried to runaway after camouflaging a railway. To their astonishment, the engineers didnt buy a ticket at all. They always seem to have a get out of rail free card.I always like chewing gum on the train. Score: 687. The judge wants to know his local motive. I may not go down in history, but I'll go down on you. A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The T-shirt is 100% cotton, comes in sizes from Small to 2-XL, and can be easily cleaned with machine cold wash. Why cant trains sit down? Do you want to go by Buffalo? inquired the ticket agent.Certainly not! she answered indignantly, I want to go by TRAIN!, 77. A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, Ticket, please.. Let's hit the road ladies and gents: #1. I guess that's why I like monorails so much! 28. Its a freight day to go for a ride on a train.If you spend too much time walking on railroad tracks it might leave you feeling run down.The conductor has never missed a day of work in over 20 years on the job.He was there come train or shine.You can always tell when a train driver is stressed because they bite their rails.The conductor was right in the middle of her presentation when she lost her train of thought.Embarrassed, she quickly disembarked from the room.Did you know that train conductors make great thieves?Theyre really good at covering their tracks.Its hard to find anyone with more focus than a conductor.They have complete tunnel vision.How does a train avoid detection?It covers its tracks.I once asked a conductor how many times a train he was on had gotten derailed.He told me it was hard to keep track.Why do trains take so long to arrive on Halloween?Theyre running with a skeleton service.I was able to pick up a few railway buffers for cheap the other day.I took advantage of an end-of-the-line sale.Its always great working with a train conductor.Theyre always ready to take one for the steam.What does a monster see when it sees a train full of passengers?A chew chew train.Conductors can be quite intimidating when you get them angry.Make sure you dont yank their train!Everyone seems to have a crush on the train conductor.Theyre quite at-track-tive.Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. It would be awesome if you let us know when jokes go too far. Its a slowcomotive.Train drivers are quite clever and known for their engine-uity. 5. 99. Q: Why can't the engineer be electrocuted? Yo mama so dirty, her perfume is roach spray. 51. 50. Watch and youll see, answered an engineer.They all boarded the train. I have got the best collection of funny train jokes. 81. Ivan.Ivan who?Ivan working on the railway.Knock, knock!Whos there?Levin.Levin who?Levin on a steam train.Knock, knock!Whos there?Mister.Mister who?Mister last train home.Knock, knock!Whos there?Wenceslas.Wenceslas who?Wenceslas train home? A: Because he's not a conductor! Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. The prices range from below $10 to slightly over $25, depending on size. Is that clear?The ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. I have to get off this train in Mannheim, but Im very tired and Im sure I will fall asleep. A train was going very, very slowly, and a group of tourists were growing increasingly impatient. Naughty trains! "Look lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" 38. Q: Why dont elephants like to ride on trains?A: Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car. Reading between the lines can be extremely dangerous, particularly if you are at a train station. So he lies down next to the wife. I dont believe you, can you slide it under the door? He snapped back annoyedly. He first punches a hole in the new bulb. How does a train avoid detection? One snatches your watch. A man and his wife check into a hotel. Train puns and jokes are surprisingly funny. A businessman was traveling in the train and his seat was reserved in the last couch of the train. Two drunks were walking upgrade between the railroad tracks. They have a red caboose! The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had just missed the train.The next train is in one hour, intoned the stationmaster.The three went back into the bar. I dont want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive. I had a friend who quit his gig as a newspaper reporter and took a train out of town. 45. I paid you 100 francs so you wake me up in Mannheim. 20 Best Train Jokes & Puns that Go the Extra Mile Prepare to derail the conversation with these totally funny train jokes and puns. Everyone had on platforms.No matter what, the train I regularly take home is always late. 40. 64. There will be no time for you not to laugh uncontrollably. Achoo choo train.Railroad workers arent what they used to be. It was our first choice not only because of the train pun, but also because it is printed with eco friendly inks. While trains are one of the oldest forms of transportation (dating back to the 1800s!) The accountants took their respective seats, but all three engineers crammed into a restroom and closed the door behind them. Q: Why can't a steam locomotive sit down? Teachers and railroad security are more similar than you might think. 12. He was very upset and every time he remembered that it was because he was in the last couch. Oh, no you dont!
